The last episode of this series is a self-study program that brings together all the work you’ve done so far. You’ll continue to explore your anger and your relationship with yourself while working with your playlist, writing a new biography, and building yourself a sacred space. Nicole shares a revelation that rocked her foundations but finally awoke her to her full humanity, as you consider what truths you might be awakening to, too.
Download the workbook to follow along: https://www.bbqplus.org/rage-to-heal. You can also use a pen and paper or your computer to complete the exercises in the series.
CREDITS:
Written, created and hosted by Dr. Nicole Truesdell with the support of the Pedagogy Lab at the Center for Black, Brown, and Queer Studies (BBQ+).
Produced by Ronald Young Jr. of ohitsBigRon studios.
Music by The Mysterious Breakmaster Cylinder.
[0:01: Relaxing synthesizer music plays]
[0:15] Nicole: Hello everyone, and welcome back to “Rage to Heal: Finding Our Humanity Through Our Emotions.”
[0:29] My name is Dr. Nicole Truesdell, and I am a trained anthropologist focused on the project of liberatory humanity through what I call a Black decolonial lens.
[0:40] Now before we go any further, this is the final episode of this series, and in order for you to get the most out of these talks, you’ll best be served going in order. So if you haven’t yet, go back and start with Episode 1, and meet me back here when you’re done.
For those staying, welcome back! This is Episode 7, the last of this series, called Self Study.
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[1:06] Last episode, we dove into the concept of the mind and the impact whiteness had on its conditioning. In this episode, we bring all the prompts from the past six episodes together into what I call a self study program.
[1:22] But first, let's do a final check-in.
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[1:36] Please grab whatever you’re using to take notes. Hopefully you still have it close by – if not, go ahead and pause this episode and grab it. And as always, go at your own pace and take whatever time you need to record your thoughts. You can pause me at any time, I’ll be here.
[1:57] Reflecting on the past 6 episodes, what emotion came up the most? Write that down.
[2:08] What song embodies this feeling? Write that down. This is your Song 10.
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[2:25] Why the need for self study?
[2:29] You need to know yourself in order to not lose yourself when you’re thrown into spaces or new situations, when surrounded by those whose voices may be louder or more influential than your own, and/or when your views do not match the world around you.
[2:49] This is critical for the project of liberatory humanity. A call for us to remake and retake what it means to be humane and human.
[3:00] Coming back to our humanity through our emotions is where true healing comes in and is sustained – but it comes at a cost. You will need to walk alone so you can eventually walk as yourself with others. This is where you come back to your soul and let the soul lead you in your life.
[3:24] Self-knowing is scary because you take responsibility for the decisions you make.
[3:30] Self-knowing is terrifying because you will make decisions that go against the grain.
[3:37] Self knowing is downright fuckin’ horrifying, ‘cause it will make you feel emotions you’ve hid away, and face truths you’ve shielded away from yourself.
[3:49] Self-knowing will make you move differently and take up space you never thought you should or could.
[3:56] And you should. This is how we learn to really live. And don't be afraid to live! That’s why you are here on this earth.
[Relaxing synthesizer music plays]
[4:22] In Episode 1, I started with a story about a confrontation I had in the country with a white woman. That day when my anger spoke, to me the undertones were too familiar and I was confused. I had left the job and the industry that had caused my body and mind so much pain. Yet I was still angry.
[4:48] As the days wore on and I drove that dirt road to and from the house I was living in, the songs kept coming – asking me, begging me, reminding me that it was time I started to live.
[5:07] So why was I still in spaces that could not see me, and I felt I had to confine and hide more within? Why were these feelings chasing me?
[5:23] Then one day the answer hit me at my desk as tears poured down my face while writing parts of what would be this script: I am living in a white conservative town with a gender fluid mixed kid in a heteronormative relationship with a white man of over ten years. And I’m gay.
[5:52] That truth – a truth that came out when I found the love and compassion for myself that I was giving out to everybody else – rocked my foundations. But it finally woke me up to my full humanity.
[6:11] I hope you awaken to yours, too.
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[6:30] So the self study program has a few parts you can use alone, together, any way that feels right as you come back to Self via working with your emotions.
[6:39] First is the playlist. If you’ve listened to this series all the way through, you have on your page ten songs that can help you talk and work with your anger. Remember, we have been working with the emotion of anger throughout this series, and the songs you wrote down are ones that can help you invite your anger into the room so you can begin to have a conversation with it.
[7:06] I recommend taking the playlist, and give yourselves thirty minutes of time just for you. Take a sheet of paper and a pen, look at what you wrote down in Episode 1 of what comes to mind what you think of anger. Set a timer for at least ten minutes, and write everything that comes to mind about your anger while the music plays. When you are done, read what you wrote and allow your anger to speak to you. Repeat as needed as you can change the emotion when you feel ready.
[7:44] Episode 3’s prompts are about remembering – remembering who you were and what you dreamed of and putting that in conversation with your anger and fear. Make that into a short paragraph you either write out or voice dictate to help you remember the different possibilities for you.
[8:04] Episodes 4 and 5 help bring you back to your body by helping you remember you are composed of the same elements we have all around us: earth, air, fire, water, soul. Take the prompts from Episode 4 and write yourself a new short bio that brings together all those elements of you. And if you like working with a personal altar, you can then make yourself a small personal space that has one component from each of these elements you listed in Episode 5. Place this new bio on your altar or sacred space, and dedicate time for you to come to that space and help in reflection and contemplation of who you are and how you want to show up in the world.
[8:53] Episode 6’s prompts remind you of the various voices that may be in your head, disguised as you. Take some time to reflect and meditate on that as you begin to do your self-reflective work. Once you can let those voices go with love, you then have fresh space to fill up with who you are.
[9:18] This concludes Episode 7 and the series “Rage to Heal: Finding Our Humanity Through Our Emotions.”
I hope you can take what we’ve talked about over the course of this series and have it awaken something in you. I know it did for me. And in our awakenings, we can really get to a deeper and richer sense of what it means to be human.
I’m Dr. Nicole Truesdell. Thanks for listening.
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[9:58] Rage to Heal was written, created and hosted by me, Dr. Nicole Truesdell, with the support of the Pedagogy Lab at the Center for Black, Brown, and Queer Studies. It was produced by Ronald Young, Jr. of ohitsBigRon studios. Music by The Mysterious Breakmaster Cylinder.
[Music of gentle chimes fades back out]